Being Alone (essendo da solo)

Dropped my sister off at the airport on the first of June with a mix of emotions. Gratefulness- for our time together and the way she brought delight to our days here. Sadness- for how I’d miss her companionship. Excitement- to start the journey I felt called to do. Fear- to start the journey I felt called to do. Alone.

What journey? I guess that requires a bit of a background. In September of 2022, a doozy of a year after a doozy of two years before that, I visited Sicily with three of my dearest friends. We started our trip in the little seaside town of Fontane Bianche. I think we knew we’d be close to the beach but honestly you don’t really know anything til you physically inhabit a place. The beach was magnificent and it was about 100 meters from our villa. Aqua/Teal water, sand everywhere (no water shoes needed!). The first night we sipped Negroni’s at the tiny beach bar and knew that we had made an excellent choice!

I wouldn’t consider myself much of a beach person. I’ve had skin cancer spots, ranging in severity from mild to very serious countless times since I was 24 years old. I thought I’d jump in the water a few times but mostly stay under the umbrella and read. Here’s where it might get weird. When I got in the water the first time I felt like it gave me a big hug. if you think about it, it really does that. But there is a physical feeling when a hug happens and also there is an emotional feeling that happens. I felt both the water enfolding me and also the water “holding”me emotionally.

Holding me emotionally. Around November of 2020, life in Minneapolis MN USA (where I live) was pretty dark. COVID, George Floyd, the 2020 Presidential Election, etc… Felt like the Gen X Great Depression to me. I threw myself into my work at St. Andrew’s Lutheran Church and it consumed hours of my time. All of those things were difficult… but being in Minneapolis, the boiling point of one of the most significant shiftings in our history, was another level of heavy. I was holding it together emotionally, but fragile. Waiting until it was safe to feel. One of the things I thought about during this time to cope with it all, was being in Italy (ironically where COVID hit hardest early on). And finally being on the other side of the whole mess. Sipping a cappuccino on some beautiful patio. I promised myself I’d get there and when I did, I would notice the moment.

Fast forward two years. Two more years. Fast forward thru turning 50, more political polarization, racial tension and the Chauvin trial, and in July of 2022, the death of my father. Felt like I blinked and it was September of 2022. It also, somehow felt like the longest stretch of time in my life so far.

So here it was…not sipping a cappuccino like I thought (although there had been plenty of that) but swimming in the Ionian Sea. I felt the water hold me, I realized this was “the moment”. I didn’t want to get out of the water. Memories, thoughts, ideas started to flood in… I started thinking about my heritage. How my great-grandparents crossed this very body of water early in the 20th century, from Italy to a new life and a promise in America. I thought about my father and I realized I had so much to unpack about that experience. I have so much to say about fathers but never make the time to organize my thoughts. I thought about music and how I felt that i had lost touch with my original music and creativity in general. I didn’t want to get out of the water. On our last day, I turned down a chance to walk to the top of Etna, one of the worlds most active volcanoes, so that I could be in the water for one more day. The water said, “come back and stay for a while”.

So I did.

And here is where it gets challenging, cause water isn’t super clear or articulate when it speaks. I know there is a Voice behind the water. I am a Christ-follower. What am I here for?

I’ve spent the last three days alone and have another 12 to go. I knew that alone needed to be part of this. It’s taken me a few days to adjust because the worst part of alone isn’t the physical absence of another person or people around you. Alone is when nobody is around that “knows” you. And let’s face it, our smart phones make it really easy to stay connected and avoid that void. So I’m trying to get to that place where I start tuning in to my surroundings and my now. Because for me, that’s where the words and the thoughts come from. It’s where my feelings get a voice. It’s where my essence starts talking. It’s where the lyrics are written and the melodies come. It’s where I connect to my creator through Christ and I realize my purpose here.

My biggest fear in anticipation of this trip was that time would go by too quickly.

I have found the secret of slowing down time and it is being alone.