Being Old (essere vecchio)

This might come as a shock to some of you, but I am no longer a young person. It is hard for me to say that. 25 was the last age I actually looked forward to and that is because I could finally rent a car. I turned 25, 27 years ago. Feeling old and being old are two different things. I am not yet old but am officially ALMOST old. My friends are becoming grandparents. How did this happen?

I felt old when I turned 40 but I wasn’t old. I wish I would have known that. If you are 40, you are not old. I mean, it’s gonna happen, but not yet. So stop feeling old.

I remember watching City Slickers when I was still in my 20s. The entire movie was about Billy Crystal’s character having a mid-life crisis. I remember thinking at the time, “dang, he’s old” and this movie is just so so funny. I happened upon it again recently and I realized that I was around the same age as Billy Crystal’s character who was having a mid-life crisis. The whole movie hits different from that perspective. Still funny but also a little painful.

Am I having a mid-life crisis? I mean, there is some evidence to support that theory…In 2019 I bought an Alfa Romeo. Then in 2021, I traded my Vesuvio Grey Alfa in for an Alfa Rosso TI Nero. Grey is boring. I “needed” a bright red one.

I am currently spending an entire month in Italy. I had a bunch of banked vacation time to use, but honestly if I hadn’t had any vacation time to use I still would have done this. (Pretty sure my boss is aware of that). Some would say that this “throw caution to the wind, sail across the ocean and find yourself type trip” lends itself to crisis mode.

I would say “no”. I am not in crisis. But I am definitely looking seriously at the next part of my life and wondering what it’s gonna be about. This is a natural occurrence when the time you have left is likely less than the time you’ve already spent here. And as for buying the Alfa. I don’t have any kids to put through college and I work my tail off. It’s fun to drive. Boom.

I’ve done meaningful things in the 30 or so years that I’ve been an adult. I’ve built a life for myself, cultivated friendships, loved and lost. I’ve written, sung and recorded songs that will outlive me. Been part of moments that are unforgettable, life-giving and life-changing for me and others. I have not achieved great fame or fortune but almost everything I do for work on this earth is authentic and meaningful. Purposeful. I point people to the unfathomable beauty and Everlasting Love of God every week. That’s my actual job.

So what’s next? As I sit here typing from my terrace in Sicily thoughts are beginning to form. I’m hearing a word that is new but an idea that is familiar. A wise pastor once said the voice of the Holy Spirit is a “confirming” voice. Meaning, God delivers God’s messages more than once and from different sources. I’m grateful for that persistence.

The word i’m hearing is…

Inspire.

In January of 2021, the year I turned 50, and all of the other things I described to you in “Being Alone”, I was leading worship, as I do every week, at St. Andrew’s Lutheran Church. Our Lead Pastor preached a sermon and all I remember about it was that it was 1) great (sorry Mike!) and 2) it “inspired” me to say this to God.

“Lord, what do YOU want to accomplish THROUGH me in the years I have left”.

There is rarely an instant answer in a loud voice to a question like that. I feel like Noah got a pretty clear answer…Moses even clearer. I just got the sense in that moment that I had finally asked the right question. And so time goes by… and the answer reveals itself.

Inspire.

The cool thing about this is that I get to continue living my life as I have been. Traveling the world with friends, writing songs, singing at weddings and funerals, leading worship, planting gardens, sipping martinis on my patio and buying Italian cars.

The difference is when I do things now, when I create things now, it doesn’t feel like it’s all for me. I feel like I’m building a template that I hope others see and use. My show at Crooner’s felt like it was a celebration of all that I had accomplished but my heart behind it was to inspire other artists around me to start taking risks by writing and performing original music. And I feel like I’m seeing that happening. I’m hoping I spark an idea that leads to a brave step. To faith. Young and old and all that is in between. I want to inspire people of all ages to do what is in their heart to do. To find and embrace their purpose. Not just in art and creativity, but in how you live your life everyday.

In case you didn’t know…It takes a lot of bravery to be a 50yo single woman with no children and to actually be okay with it. Most of us don’t choose this because culture really beats up on our self-worth. Constantly. Even here in Sicily, when i walk into a restaurant the wide-eyed waiters who say, “You are solo, you are ALONE?” (Geez! I have friends! They’re just not with me right now so calm down!) For whatever reason that you are where you are, live your LIFE. Do all the things people tied down to the wonderful obligations of family can’t do without dire consequences. Spend your money. Climb the mountain. Buy that painting. Let me show you how. :)

I want you to take the good and the bad of all you have in your genetics and your culture and your life-experiences and consider it ALL a contribution to the human tapestry God is weaving together. My song “Altogether Beautiful” is not just about coming together and living in harmony with each other. It’s about making peace with all that is within YOU. Your faults, vices and weaknessess and your joys, victories and strengths. All together. Beautiful. Don’t forget about your failures. Your pain makes you interesting. Pain is color in a black and white world. Our collective pain is what is behind the greatest art, the greatest songs and the greatest people in history. The things you do not succeed in or do not have and all that you’ve done to overcome it is the story everybody wants to hear. If I had everything I’ve ever wanted in this life I would never have created anything.

So now when you see me release a new song, or write a new blog, or take a month off to write and dream and rest, or post a video enjoying my 4th gelato of the day know that i am thinking of YOU. And hoping you have the courage to ask God the right question.

If this is being old I’m here for it.